Emotions

Today was the big move, and tonight is our first night in the new house. I am overwhelmed by many emotions right now. Ugh. I hate being overly emotional, and I'm typically not so good at talking about how I really feel. But tonight I feel honest, so here goes:

I am sad. I'm mourning the loss of being an active parent to Reid. I'm letting go of all the spring and summer fun I had planned for our family...trips to the Arboretum and zoo, afternoons at the park and playing in our new backyard. I'm sad because the combination of me being on bed rest and us moving seems to have been very difficult on Reid so far. He's out of sorts, fussy and needy. It breaks my heart that I can't always scoop him up and comfort him when he cries (and that sometimes, when he's crying and I hold my arms out to him, he turns away from me and runs to my mom).

I'm tired of feeling deep, gnawing anxiety that keeps me awake for hours at night. I'm tired of analyzing every blasted feeling, twinge, sensation in my abdomen wondering if i'm only moments away from my water breaking and the devastating outcome that would bring. I'm sad that I've lost my excitement about having this sweet girl and that I can't bear to look at crib bedding and dresses online because it makes the precarious nature of this situation more real to me.

In the midst of all this, I also feel overwhelmingly hopeful about this pregnancy and blessed by the friends and family in our lives. I have been so humbled by the support and love we've received so far.

All this emotion, and we're only 1 week into this great adventure!


On a totally different note, we had to take Reid to the ER last night when he woke up with croup. All the steam in the world (or, rather, our hot water heater) could not call his breathing. The staff at Children's Plano was awesome, and after steroids and breathing treatments he was MUCH better. Seriously, I can't take anymore drama!!!

Seriously

Most of you know this already, but here is the scoop: (warning: the word cervix is used multiple times below)

I went to the doctor for a routine check-up/ultrasound on Friday. I was 19 1/2 weeks at the time. Brian and Reid were with me. Our baby girl looks great! One of the choroid plexus cysts had completely resolved, and the other was much smaller. She was measuring perfectly, opening and closing her mouth and squirming, jumping and bouncing in a way that is eerily reminiscent of her brother's actions in utero... Scary!

The bad news: My cervix was shorter than it should have been, and it was funneling (opening at the top which indicates weakness). Both of these things can indicate that pre-term labor is a possibility. This is exactly what happened when I was pregnant with Reid with one major exception: I am about 9 weeks earlier in my pregnancy this time around. The minimum gestational age for viability is 24-25 weeks (with not-so-good long term prognosis). Needless to say: we were totally freaked out.

My doctor wanted me to go home and start bed rest immediately. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that this treatment will work. The good news: a) my cervix is longer now (2.8 cm) than it was when I went on bed rest with Reid (when it was 1.7 cm); and b) my doctor felt like the fact that my cervix stayed fairly stable for 10 weeks when I was on bed rest with Reid was a good sign this time around.

The reality of our situation right now: I am on total bed rest for the duration of this pregnancy (and we are hoping that is a long, long time). Actually, that's not true...my doctor said in 14 weeks I can come off of bed rest and resume normal activities. That is 3 1/2 months from now. Holy moly, that's a long time! We need a minimum of 5-6 weeks to give this baby a fighting chance. Wow, typing that out makes it even more real.

Ideally, I spend the vast majority of the day lying down as sitting can increase pressure on the cervix. I am sitting up occasionally throughout the day to relieve the pain in my back that is caused by constantly lying down. I am also showering every day or two. Yummy. In the last four days I have moved from my bed to the couch to the leather chair and back again. This is my life.

Oh yeah, and we're still moving this weekend.

My mom is here for another week. I cannot imagine going through this without her help.

Reid is doing well. I'm trying to figure out ways to spend quality time with him throughout the day. So far we have snuggled in bed between 6-7am, read books, watched Barney and Sesame Street and eaten non-messy snacks in bed together. He also climbs in my lap for lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day.

Brian is holding down the fort and working and coordinating this move. Crazy.

The only family members who are insanely excited about this bed rest? Baxter and Bristow, of course! My loyal companions are thrilled about the unlimited snuggle time and attention they are getting from me right now.

I'm sure you'll hear much, MUCH more from me in the near future. I have nothing but time...

Update Vomit

So, it's been quite awhile since I blogged. We have lots going on. Lots of things have changed. I don't have the energy to do multiple posts at the moment so here is my stream-of-consciousness update vomit:

• I am 19 weeks pregnant. With a girl. We are thrilled, and this is the first girl in the McFarland family in 85 years!

• The last 2-3 months I literally feel like I crawled in a hole and lived in a state of semi-consciousness. I was exhausted, stricken with migraines and tension headaches, and sick with one illness after another. I had two sinus infections, bronchitis, laryngitis and pharyngitis. And no, not at the same time. This loveliness continued on for weeks, and weeks, and weeks. As soon as I would start to feel better, I'd get slammed with some new and delightful viral illness. Ultimately, all of the coughing (plus pregnancy-related reflux) led to painful growth/ulcer thingy on my vocal cord called a granuloma. Ironically, I treat patients who have these all the time but couldn't prevent it from happening to me. Awesome. All this in addition to "morning" sickness. And raising a feisty, energetic one year old.

• We are selling our house to some wonderful buyers. They are a middle-aged couple from Denver who are moving to the area to be closer to their fabulous son, daughter-in-law and grandson. That's right, folks! Brian's parents are moving here, and buying our house from us. We close at the end of April (hopefully!)

• We are buying a house about 8 minutes from our current house. For those familiar with the area, it is in Allen but still Plano ISD. It is bigger and does NOT have a pool. This makes us very happy...especially since Mimi and Grandpa will be living in a house with a pool :-) The house has plenty of room for guests so plan your next vacation for Allen, Texas and stay at the Hotel McFarland!

• I traveled alone to Maryland at the end of March for my wonderful friend Barbara's baby shower. I got to catch up with all my awesome grad school friends while Brian and his dad took care of Reid at home.
  

• Brian's dad has been living with us part-time. His new contracting position started before they sold their house in Colorado. Since mid-February, he has been staying part-time in Fort Worth and part-time in his future house. Some may think it would be weird to have your father-in-law living with you, however, I am here to tell you that it has been tremendously helpful in this season of our lives! He has watched Reid on the weekends while we house-hunted, slept, and packed boxes. He has also been a tremendous help as an extra set of adult-sized hands in our house lately.
  

• My parents came up to Plano and stayed with Reid for a long weekend, while Brian and I spent 4 nights in Southern California. We had a wonderful time, and it was just what the doctor ordered. I have finally turned the corner and feel much better (most of the time!)

• Our house is semi-packed (i.e., we're living in a state of confusion and chaos). We move in 10 days. My mom is the packing Nazi. Last weekend she came up and oversaw what Brian and I are referring to as "the carnage". Basically, if it wasn't nailed down, she tried to pack it (even though we still had about 3 weeks left in our house!) In all seriousness, there are no words for how thankful I am for my mother's help and organization. I cannot imagine having to go through this move without her help.

• Reid is great! He is growing like a weed and walking/running all over the place. His personality is bigger than ever, and he has started expressing himself more verbally. He is currently obsessed with playing with trucks and cars and throwing balls. Honestly, he's into throwing everything. In fact, the other day, he threw a wooden block at my head. Hard. It hurt, and I was not amused. Reid, on the other hand, was quite proud of himself and laughed maniacally.
  

• Through all this insanity, I have continued to work part-time. Retirement is in sight, though. May 27 will be my last day of work before I enter into early retirement/full-time motherhood. This was a tough choice for us, but the closer it gets, the more I know it is the right choice. ...for now, anyway. We will probably revisit this issue in a year or two.
  

• My dad is retiring in December, and my parents will most likely be moving to the area! That's right...BOTH sets of grandparents nearby! We are thrilled and know how blessed we are that our parents are choosing to live near us.
  

• Brian's been working hard, traveling frequently for work and picking up the slack around here since I've been basically worthless lately. He takes Reid on jogs with him (in the stroller), and they spend a good chunk of every evening wrestling/yelling/doing "man stuff" that Mommy couldn't possibly understand.
  

That's all my addled brain can come up with for now. I promise to post pictures of my adorable son soon.