It's official. I am retired. I submitted my letter of resignation to UT Southwestern last week as a formality.
The plan (before my crazy cervix took over my life and the rest of me completely lost control) was to work through the end of May and then resign. I would say my good-byes to all my coworkers and gather up all my belongings. My affairs would all be in order, and it would be a clean break. I would have closure.
I left work on Thursday, April 15, telling my coworkers I'd see them Monday. Obviously, God had other things in store for me. So now, I'm retired, but all of my "stuff" (diplomas, books, lab coats, important paperwork, etc...) is still in the office. Even worse is the fact that I shared an office, they have already hired my replacement, and I feel like my work stuff is in the way and has likely been moved into a heap somewhere. This is fine and understandable, but it just leaves me feeling such a loss of control and closure. In fact, I'm getting a tad anxious just typing about it. And by a tad, I mean my heart rate is up, my palms are sweaty and I'm getting slightly nauseous and dizzy.
I am happy about my decision to leave work for the next year or two (or five). In fact, I had started to really look forward to being a full-time stay-at-home mom during this pregnancy. I was only working two days a week, and it was great in some ways. However, I often found that working part-time left me feeling like an inadequate speech pathologist and an inadequate mom. I have completely unrealistic expectations that being a full-time SAHM will resolve all of my inadequacy issues.
If I'm honest (and I usually am), leaving my job has created even more issues for me. I'm struggling with feeling a loss of identity and with nagging fears about the future of my career. I always wanted to be a SAHM, and I know that this is the right thing for our family right now. I hate that societal pressures (and apparently my own belief system) have left me feeling like a less valuable person because I'm not working outside the home. The funny thing is, I have always respected SAH moms and I always wanted to be one. It is very odd to me that when it comes to my situation my feelings change so very much.
This has all exposed some major flaws in the way I view my identity and self worth. And this post is getting too philosophical and I'm getting sweaty palms again. So enough of that.
In other news, I had a doctor's appointment on Friday. My cervix had stayed the same length as two weeks earlier, and we considered that a victory. The really big news is that we have reached 24 weeks which means this baby is considered viable outside the womb! I know the reality of a baby born so early, but I still feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I get my first round of steroid shots this week to help the baby's lungs develop more quickly in case she is born prematurely. I also started a somewhat experimental treatment last week called 17P injections. You can read about them here if you are really bored. A home health nurse comes to our house to give me the shot. It was the longest needle I have ever seen in my life! I don't usually have needle anxiety, but I'm not kidding when I say the needle she injected in my "hip" was roughly this long: ___________________________________
I didn't cry. It really wasn't that bad. I get to have another one on Wednesday--which is my birthday. Oh happy day.
5 months ago